Woodyanders Three kids in a dysfunctional suburban family -- mopey older brother John (writer/director Jon McBride), chipper sister Denise (perky Denice Edeal) and precious younger brother Tom (cute Tom Casiello) -- are left alone with their mean, annoying, overbearing religious fanatic old battle axe Aunt Tess (an outrageously hammy Patricia McBride) when their jolly dad (amiable Perren Page) goes away for the weekend on a business trip. Things turn sour when Tom accidentally kills the nasty old bat. The three siblings dispose of her corpse by stuffing it in a woodchipper. Matters are complicated when no-count sleazeball cousin Kim (a perfectly slimy Kim Bailey) comes poking around looking for Aunt Tess. Boy, does this alarmingly atrocious, but often uproarious and thus oddly enjoyable ghastly marvel possess all the right so wonderfully wretched stuff to rate as a total four-star stinkeroonie: hopelessly amateurish acting from a game no-name cast, plodding (non)direction, a slight, talky script, poky pacing, cruddy shot-on-grainy-video photography, hissy sound quality, a mechanically bouncy score, hilariously horrible dialogue ("We?! What's all this we stuff? You're the one that killed her!"), a gleefully deranged sense of pitchblack humor, and a meandering story. Moreover, there's a playfully dark and deviant oddball sensibility evident throughout which not only makes the whole movie feel like a third-rate drawn-out sitcom pilot gone seriously mental, but also gives this picture an undeniable kooky charm that's impossible to dislike. A so sick and shoddy that it's paradoxically spectacular sidesplitting riot.

amishgoat The only reason I even gave it a 1 out of 10 is because the option to give it zero out of 10 was not allowed. This was the biggest waste of time I've ever endured. For roughly 75 minutes, you are subjected to the WORST acting (and I don't mean that in a good way either, like as in KILLER NERD which had great horrible acting) and a plot that is not only ridiculous but also has absolutely NOTHING to do with a massacre. The reason I even rented this piece of crap was because it has massacre in the title. That said, there was only one killing in the entire movie and it was pretty lame at that. You spend more time watching the kids bickering and doing yard work than anything. Speaking of the kids, the little boy actor is probably the most irritating child actor since bob from house by the cemetery. Did I mention it was shot on video as well? If you want to throw away money and over an hour of your life, then by all means watch it. But if you savor your hard earned dollars and time, then stray as far away as possible.

garytheroux I've never actually seen this film but can tell you one thing about its production. While a comedy/oldies radio DJ in 1988, I got a call from the production company. They asked if I'd write and record a bit they'd drop into the soundtrack as sounds eminating from a TV (the television screen itself would never be shown). I said sure, wrote a parody of '50s sci-fi monster clichés, rounded up some sound effects and called in another DJ, Pam Landry, to play the female part. As she happened to be on the air at the time, she put on a long song, joined me at the mike in the production room and we cut the voicetrack in a single take. Giggling, she then went back to her show while I mixed in the goofy sound effects. We'd have never done it if we'd known that "Woodchipper Massacre" was going to be such a turkey -- but, then again, we never got paid for our efforts, either! -- Gary Theroux

kcufthepolice This pile of sh!t is tied in my book as the worst thing ever made. I can't BELIEVE that someone actually relased this CRAP, let alone acually MADE it. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE. Not even worth mentioning the damn story or any details about it. THAT's how bad it actually is. Avoid it like SARS!