Sam Panico There are moments in Witchery that approach the madcap goofball lunacy of La Casa 3. But you have to really search for them. Just by looking at the cast - Linda Blair! David Hasselhoff! - that you'd be in for a much crazier ride. This has even been titled Ghosthouse II, but make no mistake. This ain't no Ghosthouse.An angry mob chases a pregnant woman to a house where she dives from a window, like Oliver Reed in Burnt Offerings. I say like because it's the exact same shot. Jane (Blair) wakes from the dream, which is never explained.Don't worry. This movie has no interest in story. And I don't mean that in a Fulci kind of way, like an absolute film. No, this movie does the things where you'd expect a story to happen and ignores them.But hey, let's talk about our heroes. Gary (Hasselhoff) and Leslie are a couple who have decided to head off to an island to do research on witchcraft. They are there because some weird lights show up on the beach. Also - Leslie is a virgin. That's right. A virgin. It will be mentioned again. And again. And just when you think it's been mentioned too many times, it will be mentioned again.Jane's younger brother and her parents are all coming to the island too. Her parents want to turn it into a club, so they bring the architect, Linda (Leslie Cumming, in her second straight piece of shit on our site after Robowar) and the realtor's son.Oh yeah - this method actress went crazy and haunts the island. She kills the boat captain who brings them there to start. She kills off the majority of the cast in ways that echo the seven deadly sins for reasons that are never explained. Yes, things like motivation, the hero's journey and the three-act structure are all ignored by this film. That's forgivable if crazy shit happens. Sure, there's demon sex, but it feels like too little, too late (the most out of context sentence I've written in 2018!). There's also a woman impaled on a swordfish and Hasselhoff getting a blood bukkake, so if you just edit down those scenes into a 3 minute or so supercut, this is a much better film. Like this scene, where Hasselhoff discusses his childhood friend.What blows my mind is that Tommy - the little brother - has a tape recorder that fits into the plot and it's totally a Sesame Street model. You'd think they'd want their brand to not appear in a movie where a demon's penis makes a woman's vagina start bleeding.Hey look - any movie where David Hasselhoff gets impaled can't be all bad. But Witchery sure tries. If only it pushed itself to be as deliriously stupid as Troll 2 or as devoted to gore as, well, take your pick of Fulci haunted house films. But you do get a pregnant and possessed Linda Blair - poor Linda - chasing folks around a house before doing a swan dive to her doom.The end of this film is a shock ending that has nothing to do with anything that came before. A nurse comes in to tell Leslie that Tommy is fine and so is her baby. She answers, "My baby?" The screen loses color and then a totally 80's schmaltzy love song plays. Seriously, you gotta hear this shit to believe it. It redeems much of the film.I watched the ending three times in a day to write this and I couldn't remember any of it. That should either point to how many movies I watch or how uninspiring this film is.

FountainPen Where to start? This movie is such a mish-mash, such a hodge-podge. Hasselhoff plays Hasselhoff, including scenes with his shirt off to display his slightly hairy and muscular chest, ha ha ha. Linda Blair doesn't go topless, though, and that might have been her redemption for the performance she put in. Hildegarde Kneff was the star for me, with her bewitching accent and ominous posing. Delicious. The "plot" is a laugh. The rape scene is unpleasant. A few scenes of violence are quite well-done, e.g. the lip-sewing, while some others seem to be from the 1950s, lamentable and amateurish. This film dates from 1988, just before Hasselhoff made his mark in Baywatch, but years after Blair had spun her head around and thrown up green soup in The Exorcist. HA HA HA HA HA Rates a 3 overall for me... worth watching for the overall amusement, but it is a BAD movie.

ksf-2 At least there are some big names in this campy horror film to keep us occupied. Double billed on a new blue ray with "Ghost House", Witchery has David Hasselhoff (post Knight Rider, but before Baywatch) and Linda Blair (waaaaaaay after Exorcist). Another Italian horror film, filmed in Massachusetts, this one is directed by Fabrizio Laurenti. Like the Lenzi horror films, this one is so campy, so bad, that its kind of fun to watch. And who IS that Lady in Black? She and her magic gemstone pop up now and then, adding to the mystery. A real estate agent tries to sell a house on a private island, but Gary (Hasselhoff) and his assistant entered the house (without permission) to take photos. Jane (L. Blair) has her own secrets, as you will see. More cheesy special effects, and of course, the usual blood and gore. I'm surprised that Linda Blair still wanted to do films like this, since she was so well known for The Exorcist. It's pretty creepy. And as of today, only 3 out of 10 stars on IMDb.The "story" starts out pretty solid, unlike most oldie horror films. The acting and directing are a bit lame, but everyone does a pretty good job with the lines they are given. For a lot of of the cast, this is the only film they ever made. About two thirds of the way through, the plot gets weird and goes down these left turns. Lots of screaming, organ music, and smoke. Similar plot to Ten Little Indians, where the guests get knocked off, one by one. Interesting, if just for the historical value.

HumanoidOfFlesh Leslie and her boyfriend Gary travel out to an island in search of the witch lights that are reputed to be there as part of her research for a book on witchcraft.Freddie Brooks and his family travel out to the same island to examine the abandoned hotel to consider the possibility of buying it.They all become stranded there.The house's previous owner comes back from the dead in order to drag the visitors down to Hell as bloody sacrifices."Witchery" features some tasteless stuff including satanic rape scene and some nasty gore.The photography is slick and the editing is great.It's nice to see David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair in this stylish Italian shocker.The scene of Leslie Cummins rape by an incubus with his lips sewn shut has to be seen to be believed.8 out of 10.