Steve Pulaski NOTE: This film was recommended to me by Kenn Meehan for "Steve Pulaski Sees It." Andrew Jordan's Things is one of those straight to VHS oddities that came out in the late eighties, and something along the same lines of a blue moon appearing on Friday the 13th in addition to all the planets aligning occurred to give the film a present day cult following. Films like this are lucky to get any kind of due, as most of them went released directly into obscurity. Things, however, thanks largely to the internet and the old idea of "going viral" in the days of VHS, managed to survive and thrive.Things is a pretty stupid film; its aesthetic can only be described as "scuzzy," the "acting" on display feels more like videotaped hangouts between two friends, and the entire thing carries the vibe of a home movie meant for an in-home projector that's on the fritz. The film revolves around two friends (Barry J. Gillis and Bruce Roach), who basically get together to drink a boatload of beer and eventually fight a grotesque looking creature. Gillis' character comments about how his wife and him are incapable of reproducing, which leads to him urging his wife to undergo an experiment where she gives birth to a series of demonic-looking ants that disrupt the buds' casual hangout.Also in this for the long haul is porn star Amber Lynn in a pretty useless role as a reporter who keeps coming back to inform us what is going on in the story; even with her commentary, Things is still a task to watch because most of the film is meaningless, low-lit conversation handicapped by poor audio quality. If nothing else, the film has a claustrophobic element, even though the film's narrative approach is something very realistic and commonplace. It sets itself up to model after some of the best horror films of its respective era, but once you realize the characters depressingly do and say so little, the overall effect winds up being tedium and lack of interest.Predictably, there is a legion of fans quick to justify and affirm the quality (or lack thereof) in Things called "Things-ites." As usual, I find myself on the outskirts of most cult followings, residing far back enough to distance myself but not far enough where I can't respectfully observe. In this case, the "Things-ites," in this case, should also be commended for their ability to sit through this film more than once.Starring: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan, Bruce Roach, and Amber Lynn. Directed by: Andrew Jordan.

moozz I didn't really know what to expect when I started watching Things. I had never heard about it in the 80's, 90's or even early 00's. From the first minute it was clear the movie was going to be a very unprofessional one. But it still turned out to be a truly incredible viewing experience. The acting was horrible, dialog pointless, plot laughable, special effects not so special, music bad, pacing painful, editing spastic, picture quality like a 7th generation VHS copy (I watched Things from DVD)... and yet it managed to entertain.Everything is so hilariously wrong that this is a pleasant viewing experience. Things is up there with enjoyable turkey turd gems like Manos - Hands Of Fate and Plan 9 From Outer Space. If you cannot appreciate a movie that is so bad that it is actually good I would not recommend Things. At all. In all aspects Things is so bad that it is great fun. Having porn-actress Amber Lynn on the cast just makes it even better (or worse) as she is not much of an actress (which didn't come as a big surprise). This film really left me speechless with a big grin on my face.

jasonhardy Where to begin? I have also seen what I thought was the worst horror movie ever made, that being "Night of Horror", but then I saw "Things" and everything changed.There is no doubt about it, Things is easily the worst horror movie ever made. It could also be the worst movie ever made. I have no idea how something this bad could end up on VHS and then on DVD years later. I can safely say I don't think we will ever see a bluray release. There's really no point haha.As much as I thought this movie sucked, I have to admit I loved watching most of it. The stuff between brothers Don and Doug is so bad it's awesome.Things makes little sense, features Amber Lynn in a totally throw away non-nude part(boo!), has terrible effects/lighting/audio and contains the worst acting known to man.I give it a 1/10 but also say it's a must see for anyone who loves bad horror flicks.

jonathan-577 OK it's late and I don't have the energy to do it justice, but I am committed to telling the world about the 'Things' screening in Toronto this past Saturday. In case you didn't hear Things is the most hilariously incompetent and berserk movie ever made in Canada (NOT the worst though - that honor goes to 'Caged Terror' - competence isn't everything) and possibly the universe. It is mostly shot on Super 8 and basically involves some hosers drinking beer and wandering around the house. They are occasionally interrupted by an inert papier-mache ant with fangs - it doesn't seem to bother anyone too much that it ate its way out of one of the guys' wife's stomach - and 'newscasts' of moonlighting pornstar Amber Lynn reading cue cards WAY off to the side somewhere. There is one scene where a guy silently waves a flashlight around a bathroom for ten full minutes. Dialogue includes "Next time we go somewhere together I'm leaving you at home!" and "Does a toilet flush during a blackout?" Star Ray TV's legendary Jan Pachul shows up as some kind of 'mad scientist' and trumps everyone with his skeezing hyperbolic delivery even though he's basically playing the same mullet-headed boob as all the others. You can not believe that this thing cost two months and $30,000 to make. They must have bought a lot of beer! But the real show was the guys themselves. Most of the crew showed up for this, the 19 1/2 anniversary screening - which they said was the first time they ever saw it with an audience! The director was a modest soft-spoken guy, but the co-writer/'star' was very stoned and just could not shut up. He seemed to alternate between embarrassed, pre-emptive defensiveness and attempted good-natured embrace of the audience's howling contempt for their work - signified by him going "HEHHEH" very short and sharp and loud about every thirty seconds during the movie. When Trash Palace proprietor Stacey Case paused the tape for intermission Gillis insisted on telling everyone how much better it was about to get. (It really really didn't.) After the movie he took to the stage and wouldn't let it go; he talked so much no one could start the Q & A, and when the director gave it a shot he talked over HIM. He repeatedly promised to give everyone an autographed DVD (with extras!!) and to interview people for a 'documentary' they were going to do about the movie. Unfortunately both were sidetracked when - AFTER the movie had been over for about ten minutes - they went to turn the camera on and couldn't get it to work. Instead we got to watch three of these guys torture the camera in the corner for perhaps fifteen minutes while Stacey tried desperately to fill up the space. Finally the guy - who had been moaning about the turnout intermittently all night - stood on the stairs and yelled something to the effect of, "I mean I don't HATE Stacey, he's gotta make a living..." at which point the heretofore mesmerized audience came to the collective realization that they might actually never ever get out of there alive, so I did everyone a favour and started making strong ready-to-go gestures like standing up and putting on my backpack. Fortunately the stars all suddenly went out for a smoke which gave us a chance to declare the evening officially over.Marijuana is a hell of a drug. I feel privileged to have been a part of this event - now "Things" will have new layers of meaning every time I watch it, which I expect will be once or twice a year for the rest of my life. (And for the record, the free DVDs did happen, after I left...peace Barry!)