Woodyanders Brawny twin brothers Kutchek and Gore join forces to rescue their kidnapped queen Canary (a bewitching turn by the strikingly lovely and radiant Virginia Bryant) from the vile clutches of evil tyrant Kadar (veteran bad guy thesp Richard Lynch in fine wicked form) so they can restore the itinerant gypsy tribe they were adopted from to its former glory. Feisty outlaw gal Kara (a winningly spunky portrayal by the incredibly comely Eva LaRue) helps our endearingly thick-skulled musclehead heroes out.Director Ruggero Deodato, working from a blithely inane script by James R. Silke, wisely doesn't take the silly story seriously, maintains an engaging tongue-in-cheek tone throughout, keeps the enjoyably asinine plot moving along at a brisk pace, stages the sword fights with gusto, and even tosses in a few decent bits of splatter. The cast have a grand time with the campy material: Peter and David Paul make for amiable leads, Sheeba Alahani really sinks her teeth into the juicy role of formidable and treacherous sorceress China, Michael Berryman likewise has a ball as vicious lackey the Dirtmaster, and George Eastman pops up in a nifty bit as slimy arms dealer Jacko. Pino Donaggio's robust score hits the rousing spot. Gianlorenzo Battaglia's glossy cinematography and the pretty lavish production values provide an impressively polished look (the giant animatronic dragon in particular is quite gnarly). The bevy of luscious scantly clad harem girls supplies plenty of delectable eye candy. Good dumb fun.

cwbellor What makes The Barbarians awesome? I don't know where to begin. Perhaps one need look no further than the cast list. Look at those names! Gore! Canary! Dirtmaster! Fat Woman! Ghedo - Strongman! If those names alone don't make you want to see this movie, then you should just stick a finger down your throat in the hopes that you can purge yourself of whatever vile substance it is that prevents you from being awesome. This movie is frankly so soaking wet with kickassery, that I want to describe every bit of it. Instead I'll give a summary of the opening action sequence. An utterly synthtastic soundtrack chimes and this is where the film dares you not to conjure the image of a hair metal band on horseback with each master wearing neon spandex and brandishing swords of steel. The narrator tells us that this is an age in which man, woman and child are ruled by the sword! He says that this is a world of savage splendor. One imagines a time when upon delivering a newborn baby, the doctor would cut the umbilical chord with a battle ax. We see just how savage this world is when a traveling band of entertainers are set upon by jealous brutes, intent on expressing their intolerance for fruity circus folk. But these barbaric bullies are in for a rude awakening. It turns out that this is a time when theater geeks fight back. One after the other, the fiendish foes go down as they learn they are no match for the likes of the fire-breather and some Pee-Wee-Herman-looking guy who throws an explosive crystal ball. They even pull out an awesome crossbow that fires some kind of horse-tripper. And it does just that. I could go on, but I'm about to have a glorious orgasm simply from recalling the awesomeness. Anyway, you can watch the whole thing on youtube.

MARIO GAUCI Coming at the tail-end of the sword-and-sorcery cycle spun off by CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), I really did not expect much from this one and, frankly, only acquired it on account of director Deodato (whom I personally met in Venice)'s involvement. Noted for his unremittingly grim and stomach-churning cannibal movies, this at least exudes a sense of fun amid the intermittent savagery and inherently bleak setting (these were, after all, The Dark Ages). The end result, therefore, proves mildly enjoyable – if decidedly forgettable and still marred by Pino Donaggio's incongruous electronic score.Typically, the nonsensical plot centers around the good-vs.-evil contention over some magical artifact, whose secret is guarded by a princess who has taken refuge with a band of itinerant artists; among the latter are a trio of kids – two male twins and a female. The film starts off with the circus falling prey to an ambush by the chief villain (Richard Lynch)'s army of grotesques; they fight valiantly but still lose the monarch and children to them…though not before one of the boys has bitten off two of Lynch's fingers! Gradually, the latter is besotted with the caged noblewoman (despite having a harem of girls at his disposal!) and, while the enslaved boys are separately beaten and shaped into fighting machines, the little girl manages to escape their clutches.The years pass and the twins have unaccountably grown into muscle-men (though their behavior is bafflingly, and irritatingly, asinine!): each believing the other had been killed, they are surprised to find themselves engaged in a duel to the death (amusingly decked-out in an iron mask like the one worn by their individual tormentor!) in Lynch's arena – presided over by THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977)'s Micheal Berryman (who had actually already collaborated with Deodato on one of his cannibal epics i.e. CUT AND RUN [1985]). Anyway, the two escape and seek to rejoin the circus: along the way, they also meet up with a spirited female captive who is eventually revealed to be their childhood companion (though she is now known by another name). The barbarian brothers (actually, an alternate moniker for the film – incidentally, the opening credits supply not one but 3 consecutive titles!) go in search of weapons so as to re-enter Lynch's fortress and liberate the princess: to get them, however, they have first to win an arm-wrestling match with "Euro-Cult" stalwart George Eastman…where the loser is also prone to a bite from the latter's own snake! To cut a long story short, the all-important jewel had been hidden away in a swamp to begin with and, before long, the parties involved converge on that location only to be (predictably) met with a variety of monsters! In the end, the princess dies (Lynch himself expires when single-handedly taking on the twins at once) and, after the young girl's true identity has been established and the fabled diamond fits exactly into her belly-button(!), she is made her successor.

movieman_kev Kutchek and Gore are two orphans who got abducted by an evil warlord who makes a promise not to kill them. They go up into the Barbarian Brothers (the brothers if you don't know are freaking' HUGE) who after learning that the warlord is less than altruistic in his intentions, decide to break free and restore the balance. The two are stupid fools but they're big enough that no one cares. This movie is one of those films that's so bad it's good and is definitely tongue-in-cheek. Many highly quotable lines and I enjoyed it immensely.My Grade: B- Eye Candy: a few breasts are bared