Paul Andrews Modern Vampires, or Revenant as it's also known, is set in Los Angeles where a female Vampire called Nico (Natasha Gregson Wagner) who is also known as the 'Hollywood Slasher' is going around openly killing people & drinking their blood, the ultimate Vampire Count Dracula (Robert Pastorelli) doesn't like this as if she is discovered the human race will be aware of the existence of Vampires & hunt them down like the vermin they are so he orders her dead. Meanwhile Dallas (co-exectutive producer Casper Van Dien) the Vampire who turned Nico rolls into town & wants to protect her, he also brings with him the supreme Vampire hunter Dr. Frederick Van Helsing (Rod Steiger) who is on a mission to destroy all Vampires. Much hilarity ensues, not...This made-for-TV piece of crap was co-produced & directed by Richard Elfman who also appears in the film at the end as the 'Cop with Doughnut' & I'll be brutally honest & get straight to the point & say that I thought Modern Vampires was awful. The script by Matthew Bright is obviously meant to be some sort of horror comedy, unfortunately Modern Vampires is neither horrific nor funny which is obviously a sizable problem. The films uses racial stereotypes with awful black jokes, there are terrible Vampire jokes & embarrassing slapstick comedy moments like the comedy sound effects when anyone hammers a stake into a Vampires heart or when the black dudes tie a female Vampire to a bed & take it in turns to have sex with her. The character's are also awful, just compare the annoying & irritating character's in Modern Vampires with the brilliant characterisations in Near Dark (1987) another contemporary Vampire film, it's like chalk & cheese to be frank & there is no comparison. In fact Nico has to one of the worst on screen Vampires in cinematic history & her character alone is going to knock a star off my final rating. The film is slow, it's dull, it's throughly predictable & I just had a hard time sitting through it. It's films like Modern Vampires that make me wonder what is happening to the horror genre.Director Elfman (composer Danny Elfman's brother) obviously doesn't know the meaning of the word subtle, everything is garishly over-the-top & exaggerated in a cartoonish sort of way. I still can't get over Van Helsing hiring a gang of black guy's, lame. There's certainly nothing scary here & I didn't find it funny in the least either. There's some gore here, people have broken bottles stuck in their necks, Vampires bite & suck blood, there are several vampire stakings, a Vampire has it's head cut off with a saw & there are a lot of bare naked breasts on show as well along with star Casper Van Dien's bare butt during a sex scene if that sort of thing interests you.With a supposed budget of about $2,000,000 this looks alright but is a bit bland & forgettable, the constant hip-hop style music is just so out of place as well. There's actually a decent cast here which is wasted. Van Dien, Steiger, Kim Cattrall & Udo Kier put in hammy performances while Pastorelli is perhaps the worst on screen Dracula ever.Modern Vampires sucks more than any Vampire in the film itself ever could, I'm sorry but that is what it basically boils down to & it's as simple & straight forward as that. It's neither horrific or funny & that's an absolute killer for a horror comedy, isn't it?

Elswet I had to stop and ask: Am I laughing because it's stupid? or am I laughing because it's funny. That seems to be the dilemma. It took several viewings for me to determine the outcome of that quandary.While there are some excellent elements here, both in the genre of horror and comedy, the blend is terribly uneven. This movie tries to be unpredictable and raw, but instead, what it delivers is anything but the sophisticated humor it promises. It is not quite the giggle-fest some seem to think it is; for the most part, there was more eye-rolling than genuine laughs.Kim Cattrall adds to this production what sophistication there is, while Casper Van Dien lends the eye candy element for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing.The principal wretched element in this movie was Dr. Van Helsing (Rod Steiger) and his hapless sidekick, Time Bomb (Gabriel Casseus of "Fallen"). As in they are a joke, rather than being funny, they are just ridiculous as vampire hunters. The way their first victim just lies there and waits for Time Bomb to sort out his probational priorities with Van Helsing's heart attack before he is killed, was just infantile. His "Black Pack" pushing the van chasing after the bad guys was just stupid.I honestly have no idea what to make of the ratings this movie has received. I fully appreciate and love dark humor, but this just is not it. This is some cheap teen-aged-level rip off of dark humor. It's not even good enough to be considered true camp.The general consensus here at the Fiend's house is that it's funny because it is stupid, rather than being cleverly witty. Does that make it good camp? or just another inanity?I have two votes for inanity, and it is a conclusion with which I tend to agree. That not withstanding, this movie does have a few enjoyability factors. I did learn one thing from this movie: if you're on fire, you can't put yourself out with a garden hose. It is absolutely putrid! It rates a 2/10 from...the Fiend :.

ruthven1974 yes , i admit it , i am a vampire movie fan and have seen a lot of em ( my collection now comprises about 170 of these movies ) and modern vampires is definitely in the top 20 . it is a really witty film with a great cast and first class directing on a limited budget . sure the special effects are not always top notch , but special effects never did a movie ( if it was the case , then independence day and star wars episode one would be good ). rod sterling is one of many great actors in this movie but absolutely steals the show here and gives the funniest van helsing performance ever in hollywood . all in all , a very enjoyable movie for anyone and a sure treat for vampires fan to forget the blunders of the 2 blade movies or the sequel to the already bad dracula 2000

mnxxy I'm not a big fan of the vampire genre. BUT this is the best vampire movie I've ever seen. Rod Steiger was an inspired choice as the vampire hunter, and his involvement with a street gang had me rolling on the floor. Funny, scary, and not your everyday vampire movie.