jadavix "Don't Go Near the Park" is one of the most bizarrely incompetent movies I have ever seen. I've watched it twice now, and still don't really know what it's about. There's something in there about cavemen being cursed to never die but continue to age. The only way the cavemen can stave off this awesome decrepitude is to eat the guts of children. They also hang out in a park, I think, which sort-of-explains the title. (?)Other than that I can't really make head nor tail of this movie. There are a few scenes where people's guts are ripped open, however unconvincingly. Why do they just do it with their hands? Wouldn't it take incredible strength to rip through the stomach muscles to access the gut?There is an attempted rape scene where a girl has her shirt ripped open and then makes a van crash.Also Linnea Quigley shows up in one of her earliest roles. She shows her breast.There's also a curly-haired kid, whose presence in the movie I didn't understand, and a guy named Cowboy.Can anything be made of all this?I'm not the asinine type of film viewer who needs everything to make sense. Some of my favourite movies make no sense and I love them for it. But "Don't Go Near the Park" has another fatal flaw: it's boring.

lastliberal One of the infamous video nasties that were banned in Britain and released uncut two years ago.This was a strange film that took place over 12.000 years as Gar (Crackers Phinn) and Tra (Barbara Monker) we cursed until the wolves surround the moon again which 12 millenia. They then need to have a child and sacrifice her to get to heaven, or something like that.You can't look at this film as a piece of art, as it just goes in many different directs that don't make a lot of sense.The film claimed to introduce scream queen Linnea Quigley, but she had five previous films. Her whirlwind courtship and marriage to Gar ended as soon as she produced Bondi (Tamara Taylor).Add in some attempted rape, some almost incest, and some cannibalistic behavior by Gar and Tra, and you certainly have a nastie film.It ended as strangely as it began with some zombies and a shocker.It is an interesting piece of cinema history.

Woodyanders Since I'm a hardcore aficionado of Grade Z garbage I must confess I was really looking forward to this notoriously lousy piece of absolute grindhouse horror splatter trash. I just recently snagged a copy of this brain-numbing bilge on DVD and dared to give it a stare. WOW! This sure ain't your garden variety bad flick. Instead, it's a very special and oddly endearing sort of unbelievably bad flick.Let's start with the lovably preposterous premise: Prehistoric cult members Gar (some hopelessly wooden stiff acting under the incredible pseudonym of Crackers Phinn) and Tra (the equally woeful Barbara Monker) are banished from their tribe for cannibalizing little kids in order to gain eternal youth. Prior to getting the boot the wizened old crone queen puts a curse on the pernicious pair: they are forever doomed to walk the earth in perpetual suffering in which they age one year every ten years and must resort to further flesh-eating to become young again. Fortunately in the early 80's in Los Angeles Gar leaves the park the two have been living in and marries a hot, but snippy young lady (an early appearance by popular 80's horror scream queen Linnea Quigley, who looks awful cute, but can't act for spit) and has a daughter who he names Bondi (the adorable Tamara Taylor). Naturally, something sinister is afoot here: Both Gar and Tra plan on devouring Bondi's precious innocent virginal flesh when she turns 16 in order to achieve complete everlasting eternal life.Boy, now that's what I call an absurdly complex, convoluted and rather confusing story! Besides the gloriously gonzo narrative, this choice chunk of prime tasty celluloid cheese further boasts dreadful direction by Lawrence D. Foldes, muddy, shaky, vertigo-inducing cinematography by William De Diego, cruddy make-up effects, tacky excessive gore, choppy editing, a rancid score by Chris Ledesma, a threadbare, barely coherent and rambling script, sluggish pacing, a stupid shock surprise ending, and uniformly dismal acting from a pitiful cast (Meeno Peluce wins the grand thespic booby prize as an obnoxiously hearty young kid runaway while poor Aldo Ray is wasted in a nothing minor part as a writer), all of which are exceptionally atrocious. The film's single most jaw-dropping sequence occurs when Bondi gets abducted by three degenerate rapists in a van, but is saved by a magical amulet given to her by her father which causes the van to go off a bridge and explode! Another stupendous moment has Gar and Tra shooting crummy laser beams out of their eyes. And let's not forget the pathetic handful of moaning rot-faced zombies who pop up for the stirring conclusion. As an added bonus, both Linnea Quigley and Tamara Taylor have nude scenes. This sublimely shoddy stinker is a real must-see for devout fans of deliciously down'n'dirty dimestore dreck cinema.

Coventry If you were, like me, expecting to see another numb-nuts 80's slasher, you'll soon find out that you're mistaken (I should start reading the back of the VHS-covers!). Before the credits even start to role, you're already treated to an utterly gore butchering sequence and a demented prologue. The screenwriter (probably a flipping drug-addict) thought up a story about two siblings that were cursed 12.000 years ago. In order to keep their youthful appearance and to save their souls, they have to feed on human flesh. If that isn't enough, the male half of the two has to find a girlfriend, get her pregnant and sacrifice the virgin daughter to the Zodiacs…or something. Granted, the plot is pretty retarded but it's stuffed with cheesy gore and the script is unintentionally hilarious. There's no tension whatsoever and you're about to forget the whole thing as soon as you finished watching it. If you're a sucker for painfully bad 80's flicks, this is a must.