PeachHamBeach The posters and DVD arts project this to be a sexy crime thriller about a female bank or jewel robber or something. Instead, it's a romantic drama with a touch of crime thriller here and there but nothing like what you'd have expected.I don't mind the film for what it is. Beatrice (Bee-Ah-Trich-E) is a lovely Italian woman who has gone the straight after a career as an armed robber. She still keeps in touch with a few of her old friends from that life, but mainly, she has gone straight. I wasn't sure if this film was going anywhere interesting, then it turned into a romantic drama when Beatrice meets a guy named Alan (Jared Harris) who works at a classical radio station by night and teaches young kids in school by day. If you want to appreciate the European art/sex film elements of this film, such as full frontal nudity and wild sex scenes, then it will entertain you in that way for a while, as Beatrice and her new lover struggle with his impotence, bad oysters and getting to know each other.When a friend of B's, played by the luscious Jonathan Rhys-Meyers comes into the scene, suddenly there's an actual 2 way plot going somewhere, but this is not until at least 1/3 or 2/3 into the movie. A very troubled (downright psychotic) kid at Alan's school stabs another child with a pencil, the whole thing turns ugly and suddenly Alan is faced with losing his teaching job. At the same time, B's friend needs her to come out of retirement to help him get some debts cleared up.Asia Argento is a fun actress to watch, even if she's not the greatest actress ever. Still, this film seems to not be able to make up its mind what it wanted to be. It's entertaining in some ways, but not exciting enough for me to recommend.

zardoz-13 "Nineteen Eighty Four" director Michael Radford's minor romantic crime thriller "B. Monkey" chronicles the stormy relationship between an impulsive female cat burglar and a conventional male school teacher. Dario Argento's super sexy daughter Asia plays the eponymous character with relish in this beautifully photographed, well-acted, but ultimately forgettable epic. Indeed, you'll have trouble keeping your eyes off the lovely Asia who shows no qualms about showing off her delectable body in tastefully lensed full frontal nudity. An assortment of criminals floats into and out of her life as she struggles like an old western gunfighter to cease her life of crime. Beatrice explains in voice over narration how she came to acquire her name: "I can get into anything." One day in a pub, a lonely English teacher at a primary school, Alan (Jared Harris) approaches Beatrice. Initially, she rebuffs him because she neither knows nor trusts him. Finally, Alan convinces Beatrice that he poses no threat to her so she agrees to a date the following evening at eight and stands him up. Beatrice's low-life friends—they might be more accurately described as accomplices--include homosexual Paul (Rupert Everett of "Cemetery Man") cut from the same cloth as Noel Coward and a lunatic young hoodlum boyfriend, Bruno (Jonathan Rhys Meyers of "Ride With The Devil"), who is prepared to die for her. Meanwhile, ordinary Alan teaches by day and serves as a disc jockey by night at a local London hospital.Eventually, Beatrice and Alan get together, but Beatrice discovers that the young school teacher cannot get it up. Whether Alan cannot gain an erection in the warm company of the comely Asia--who resembles a brunette Venus on a half-shell—or because he is too overwhelmed by her abrupt behavior is never established. Eventually, Asia gets him back into shape and the two fall in love. Anyway, Beatrice refuses to work for a local mobster, Frank (Tim Woodward), but complications arise that force her back into crime. Alan has trouble with a student who accuses him of slamming him against a wall after the student stabbed another student in the face with a pencil. The boy's surly mother prefers charges against Alan, but Beatrice and Bruno pay her a visit and change her mind. Naturally, Alan is outraged and manages to get another teaching job far out in the country. Beatrice leaves London and her friends, but she cannot truly leave them and the consequences of her criminal activities come back to haunt her in the wilderness.The performances are tops and director Michael Radford keeps things moving along so the action never stalls out. The chief problem is that none of the characters are interesting. They are either goody-two shoes like Alan or obnoxious criminal types like Bruno. Radford stages a couple of credible jewelry heists, largely smash and grab affairs, and gives his average, unexceptional film more polish than it deserves. Those who must have happy endings will love "B. Monkey." This movie breaks the cliché about the ready-to-have sex mentality of men. When Beatrice knows that she is about to have sex with a guy, she jumps in bed and peels her clothes off quicker than the man can get his pants down. Typically, the man is the ready-to-have sex partner with the woman showing some reluctance. Again, aside from Asia's gorgeous body and some good acting, "B. Monkey" is like a banana peel. You watch this movie and you will feel like you've make a slip-up.

Coventry (minor spoilers included)What we have here is an acceptable attempt of mixing several good and widely divergent ideas into one big jar. B.Monkey rushes by at high speed and tries to combine an apparently impossible romance with gangster-movie elements and black comedy. A guy, who is quite possibly the most well-behaving citizen in all England (grade schoolteacher. serving as a volunteer in a hospital.classic radio DJ.) falls deeply in love with his female opposite (armed robber.tattooed and high-spirited.nymph) and they want to build a new life together. Unfortunately, the girl can't leave her infamous past behind her. Even when the couple flees to the middle of British nowhere, the girl's former partners and enemies follow them at all times. B. Monkey merely depends on a few powerful sequences and a couple of intriguing characters. The creativity and goodwill is there, but the whole finished product still looks like one big muddle. Also, the entire film isn't exactly plausible which makes it even harder to digest. Strictly seen as a black comedy and social satire, it does deserve a bit of praising. Multiple 'human interest'-topics are spoofed here which lifts up the film to a slightly higher dimension (to me, at least). And then there are the acting performances.Especially Rupert Everett impresses as the addicted homosexual friend. Everett is good in portraying `weirdos', like his previous `Dellamorte Dellamore' already stated. Asia Argento is just one adorable angel.Dario's daughter owes a lot to her looks but there's obviously quite some talent present as well in that ravishing body of hers. Thank goodness she's not one of those pretentious actresses who don't take risks in their careers. She's speaking with an incredibly sexy Italian accent and her nude scenes contribute in making this nice little film more memorable.All together, B.Monkey isn't top priority to check out, but it guarantees fun and action from start to finish.

heywood100 *****SOME SPOILERS (as if you care)*****B. Monkey is half serious drama about how the past can catch up with you, half violent, all-out action flick, and the combination of the two just doesn't come off. Mainly due to the film being really quite ridiculous.Beatrice (aka B. Monkey) is a jewel thief. She inexplicably falls head over heels for an extremely boring school teacher called Alan. She quits the crime game and tries to be nice and normal, but her past comes back to haunt her and she's forced to go on one last job. This doesn't please Alan, who whines for a bit. They make up and go and live in the countryside, before that troublesome past resurfaces once again in a climax that is neither thrilling nor touching.None of this is helped by Jared Harris' awful acting as Alan, or a script that bores incessantly and is full of huge, gaping holes. The only thing that saves the film from being a total disaster is Beatrice herself, or to be more precise, Asia Argento. She has more screen presence than everyone else in the film put together, and steals pretty much every scene she's in. When she leaves the screen (such as in the horrible, tacked-on subplot about a young boy who's being abused by his mother), you're left begging for her return. Overall, definitely not worth the effort.