Michael Ledo
It is Asylum, so my expectations were low. Bill Hart works to save his family from a fast moving glacier. For some unexplained reason (in 2012) volcanoes under the ice caps erupt which causes a sudden flow of glaciers moving across Maine...and the east coast (Glaciers typically move 5-10 feet a day with a "fast" speed of about 100 ft. a day.) In addition to the plot, the acting was fairly unbelievable too, although these actors have done better when they had a decent script. Also on the unbelievable list was a Black Senator from the state of Maine. Has the writer of this script ever been to Maine?The military decides to battle the high speed glacier with conventional weapons. Blocks of ice, as big as a 5 story building are hurled up into the air and come crashing down on Bangor The Paul Bunyan statue is destroyed. (If you are going to ignore one law of physics, you might as well ignore all of them.) The car in which the family travels is constantly inundated with snow and ice and it rocks back and forth like the bridge of the Enterprise fighting against a fleet of Klingons.The family wants to go to NYC to rescue their daughter at college.No nudity, sex, bad language, or large rubber animals. Unless you are 8 or stoned to the bejesus, avoid this film.
Leofwine_draca
Although that doesn't make the movie great. 2012: ICE AGE is a typical Asylum disaster flick, heavily copying THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW in its tale of a breakaway 'rogue' glacier that heads towards the Eastern Seaboard of the USA, bringing snowstorms and wreaking havoc as it approaches. The usual bunch of scientists and their assorted family members have to dodge disaster staples while the boffins try to figure out what to do.You know the story here if you've seen any of the other endless Asylum disaster flicks: lots of low rent mayhem involving freezing clouds, sudden snowstorms, and landmarks being destroyed on a very small budget. All of the FX mentioned above are brought to life by very dodgy CGI, which isn't too poor, but the CGI vehicles (planes, cars) are something else entirely; computer game quality, if that.The cast is populated by various non-entities and haggard-looking actresses and despite the constant danger the characters find themselves in there's no real suspense or tension at any point. Thus it's business as usual for The Asylum, and torture as usual for any viewers unlucky enough to be watching. And for the record, 2012: ICE AGE isn't as bad as Miami MAGMA and JET STREAM.
Pierre Escargot
(Warning, this review is long. If you survived the movie, this review will be like a breath of fresh air.) Where do I even begin?Seriously, they should have paid me to watch this movie. I watched it for free on Netflix, (thank the good Lord), only because I love apocalyptic movies. Afterwards, I had to watch I Am Legend and read these reviews to feel any semblance of satisfaction. It's like cough syrup. Immediately after taking, you need to take something else to get that terrible taste out of your mouth.......except the emotional trauma inflicted by this movie is lingering.....much like the Aids virus.I created an IMDb account just to review this movie, and have never reviewed a movie like this before. It's just that bad.Let's start with special effects. The best special effect in this entire movie is the ending credits. The second best effect is when some hott college chick has a piece of glass sticking in her head. All the CGI cars, the horrid looking glacier, the unforgivable fake snow and snowfall, the chunks of ice flying through the air, the explosions, which I swear were just cheap fireworks shots without the cool colors, the planes….it was as if the director's blind, mute, and deaf grandmother did them.The effects of this movie were vile, wicked, and basically a sin. The only person I know of who would think these effects were not that bad would be the media director in my church...he has no eye for anything artistic, and it seems like he purposely chooses the absolute worst photos/videos that he can when making material for our church.....must like the makers of this film. Let's touch on the acting and general motivation behind this train wreck. I think the makers of this joke made a bet. I think the bet was, "I bet you can't make a movie worse than old time silent movies, while drunk, high, and over dosing on crack cocaine while simultaneously suffocating in space." To which the retarded toddler of the director replied, "Challenge accepted." The acting is akin to...a lion tearing apart its prey. Although that makes sense and has a purpose. This joke must have been career enders to these poor actors, or their careers were already in the crapper, and they took this job knowing things couldn't get any worse for them. I have literally seen better acting and more believable story lines in pornography. This joke was obviously a rip off of The Day After Tomorrow, which is a liberal's wet dream made into a movie. Now let's visit the unbelievable plot and sequences. I love the reused scenes. Roads were clear in the middle of a blizzard. They find some random guy and his son, and the guy is "trapped" under a metal shelf so incredibly heavy a parapalegic could push off of himself. Yes. A parapalegic could have pushed it off.Then the plane takes off in heavy snow, even though the runway is under several inches of snow. Oh my God, then when he lands the plane, there's a commercial airliner taking off in even more heavy snowfall, when we already heard that all air travel was grounded. Then fuel was pouring out of the plane, even though he said they almost ran completely out of fuel, and somehow, in the snow, this plane blows up, and we see no damage what so ever to the plane itself. Witchcraft I tell you! Witchcraft!I love how the dad doesn't run in his van and drive off when some creepy lunatic is trying to talk to him. I love how they can run across solid ice with no problems. I love how the autistic son only cares about being on his laptop and accessing the internet. I love how they get cell signal and GPS signal in a terrible storm, with a glacier traveling 200 mph crushing everything in its path. I love how the son has magically advanced technology to track his sister with a cell phone. I love how they find her so quickly. I love how the statue in front of the Rockefeller got destroyed, and the ball rolled into the building with the hott college chick and her boyfriend, in NEW JERSEY. Literally just rolled right across the street. I love how the dad is looking for his daughter and starts shooting in the air with a gun he found on some randomly frozen-to-death cop on a random staircase, like that would make me think, "Well, gunfire, people screaming, of course that's my dad looking for me!" I always tear up at movie events like this. Instead, I was hoping for one of those tic tacs to fall from the sky and crush them. I literally did not care about this family at all. And the ending......dear God, the ending! This retarded dad DRIVES TOWARDS THE GLACIER to get into the statue of liberty for safe harbor after finding his daughter and everyone hugging each other for what seems like a half hour. His car smacks into the base of the statue, and everyone is able to open their doors with no problem, even though one side of the car was crashed into the base! Then they get into the statue, and go up the same staircase for several shots. Then the glacier HITS THE STATUE with absolutely no impact and no destruction, and just stops. This powerful, 1000 mile wide chunk of ice is magically stopped by a couple missiles and the statue of liberty. This movie was so bad it made me angry…literally angry…but I finished. It's so bad it's hilarious. If you want to watch a comedy that's not supposed to be a comedy, like the first Aliens vs. Predator movie, then check out this masterpiece! Watch this movie with friends and family just so you can make fun of it together. Enjoy!
